What’s a sign of a simply awful team? Allowing Bruce Freaking Bowen to score 23 points on you!! I mean, the ONLY thing he can do on the offensive end is hit a baseline 3-point shot. Seriously, that’s the ONLY THING and he hasn’t even done that very well this season. He’s shooting 33% from three; which of course means he’s shooting 35% from the field, since he only shoots three’s…. FROM THE BASELINE! Really, he doesn’t even mix up where he spots up. He’s averaging a measly 2.9 points per game in 28 minutes this season. Do you know what his career high is? 24 POINTS! Also put on the Lakers on January 4, 2005! I guess Bruce has their number.
Tonight, against the Lakers, he went 6 of 6 from three, and ALL OF THEM WERE FROM THE BASELINE!! Is that getting redundant? Well, I haven't said "FROM THE BASELINE" six times yet, so its not redundant enough for the Lakers. At what point do you say to yourself, “Wow, Bruce is making his shots, and I know he’s only going to take a stationary baseline three. Maybe I should try guarding him, or at the very least run in his general direction.” I guess, that thought process never occurred with any of the Lakers.
Speaking of thought processes. Let’s delve into Bruce’s mind and see what he’s thinking during a defense to offensive sequence, since he is apparently a deadly sniper from long range….at least against the Lakers.
Bruce Thinking to Himself:
“Alright, time to play defense. It’s what I do. I’m Bruce “The Glove” Bowen. Yeah, I said it. The Glove! Gary Payton has nothing on me, baby! Actually, I don’t have a nickname? Why is that?
Crap, get your head in the game, Bruce! Where’s Kobe? There you are, Black Mamba! The Glove is about to get a hold of you and squeeze tight. Actually, I don’t like that name. Makes me think of OJ. Mmmmm. OJ sounds good right now. I love that citrusy goodness. I wonder if they have orange gatorade on the bench, cause that will do just fine. Wait, Kobe just got the ball. Gotta go to work!
Eyes on his hips, Brucy. Don’t watch his head or the ball. Watch the hips, that’s what will tell you where he’s going.
OK, his head moved left, but his hips stayed put, so I’ll stay put. HA HA, thought you could get me moving with a simple head fake, Kobe! Wait, he is going left, dammit! It’s OK, move you feet, move your feet! Get in front of him. Damn, I can’t! He’s too fast, and I’m too old! Timmy, watch out, Kobe’s going to the rim! Oh, he’s going to dunk on Tim and it’ll all be my fault!
YES! Tim blocked him! Ah ha! I followed the defensive strategy to a tee! Funnel Kobe into Duncan! Funnel him to the Big Fundamental! Funnel Funnel Funnel. Pops is a phenomenal defensive coach and I’m an even better defender! That’s why I’m out here. Damn, I’m good.
Hey, Kobe has a nickname. Even Tim and Popovich have one! Hmmm, how ‘bout The Blanket, cause I can cover anyone! I kinda like it. I’ll have to ask my fan club. Do I even have a fan club? Hell, I could ask Ginobili's club. He always has a bunch of hot chicks yelling his name or retards dressed up like Obe One Kenobi. Yeah, I'll ask them.
Anyways, time to play offense. Let’s see, Pop told me just to run to the corner baseline and stand there. If Parker, Ginobili or Duncan pass to me, shoot it. You have a great three point shot, Brucy. Just believe in yourself.
Alright, I’m here on the baseline. Eva’s Play Toy is coming down the court and just passed to Manu. By the way, I need to tell Ginobili just to shave it. The whole male pattern baldness is cool thing just isn't working for him. Obe One Ginobili is making his move. Man, it huts my back just watching him drive to the basket with those herky-jerky moves. I think Manu just traveled…
Yes, he’s passing me the ball and I'm wide open because my man just went to help out! Got it Manu, don’t worry, it’s good as gold now.
Catch the ball.
Bend the Elbow.
Line up my forearm with the basket.
Bend the knees.
Jump and release.
Flick the wrist.
My hand is right in line with the basket.
Beautiful arch......
SWISH!!!!
Purest baseline shot in the league! It’s what they pay me for! I’ll go give Timmy a slap on the butt, so he’ll tell me “Good Shot.” Time to put The Blanket on Kobe!!!"
This representation of Bruce Bowen’s thoughts is completely fictional. Any actual thoughts that occur in Bruce Bowen’s head that resemble those described here is purely a coincidence.
Lakers Suck, as does Kobe.
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